[Update: Thank you for your comments on this post. We’ve made some updates to memorials for recently deceased folks based on your feedback. Updates include making it a little easier to get to the memorial and adding options to report duplicates, suggest corrections and add the memorial to a virtual cemetery. We’ve also added a few more details to the types of relationships and made those match up better with the information in the help files.]
Over the years, we’ve heard from members about the timing of memorials for people who are recently deceased. The time directly following the loss of a loved one can be challenging and when a family member finds that an unrelated person has created a Find a Grave® memorial for their loved one before the family has had a reasonable time to mourn, it can add to the emotional strain.
We’ve made some changes on the site that we hope will help close relatives, while still supporting the Find a Grave community’s efforts to catalog death and burial information. These changes include:
- Limits on what is shown on memorials for people who have died in the past 3 months.
- An option for memorial creators and managers to indicate their relationship to the person memorialized.
- A simplified process for family members to request management of memorials of people who have died in the past year.
- Other updates to support these changes.
These changes will apply to memorials added after January 11, 2022.
We are also updating our transfer guidelines to include some close relatives that are not in a direct line.
Here are a few examples to provide more details about the changes:
Memorials Managed By a Relative
When you add a new memorial, you’ll be asked, “Are you a close relative?” You can also set your relationship to people in memorials you already manage on the Edit page. If you select “Yes” and choose your relationship, the memorial will look and be displayed like any other memorial on the site.
When adding your relationship, use the checkbox to make your relationship public or private. If you choose to “Show relationship in source information,” your relationship will display next to your profile name at the bottom of the memorial. If you choose to keep your relationship private, nothing will be displayed next to your profile name for other members, but you will see a note that your relationship is private.
In memorials lists, you will also see a green dot (public) or lock (private) to indicate memorials for people you are related to.
Memorials Managed By Someone Who is Not Related
For memorials managed by someone who is not a relative, the manager’s view of the memorial will be just the same as any other memorial they manage. To other viewers, the memorial will display with limited information for three months from the death date. Here is an example of what a memorial for a recently deceased person will look like in a search list (for everyone except the manager):
In addition to limiting the information we display, we have also added a simple way for family members to request to manage the memorial. A close relative can click the “Manage” button, add their relationship, and become the manager of a new memorial for that person. Since the manager is related, the memorial will now display and act as any other memorial on the site.
After three months from the death date, the view of the memorial is no longer limited. The memorial will show as others do except that for up to a year from the death date, the option for a close relative to “Manage” the memorial will show on the memorial.
Adding Your Relationship to Memorials You Manage
Relationship information helps us make decisions about merges, transfer requests and memorials for the recently deceased. You can add your relationship to existing memorials that you manage. To add your relationship, go to the memorial, select “Edit,” scroll down, and choose your relationship. We limit the number of memorials you can manage with certain relationship types to help prevent abuse.
You can find a list of memorials you are related to by hovering over your profile name, selecting “My Memorials” and choosing “Related” from the dropdown menu next to “My Memorials.”
Updates to Transfer Guidelines
Memorials are transferred for relatives with these close relationships: child, spouse/partner, sibling, parent, grandchild, great-grandchild, grandparent, great-grandparent, niece/nephew, great niece/nephew, aunt/uncle, great aunt/uncle, or first cousin. This would include adoptive, step, and in-law versions of these relationships. Please show sensitivity to immediate and extended family members and their requests.
If two members are related within these guidelines and both would like to manage the memorial, the member with the closer relationship should be given management.
Learn more from our Help site here.
We sincerely appreciate all the volunteers and their work in adding memorials to the site everyday. We feel that these changes provide an appropriate balance between allowing memorials to be added for those who are recently deceased and showing sensitivity to their family members.
I agree with changes.
It is really good to make it easier to transfer memorials to family members. I have had an issue with getting some of my families memorials transferred to me.
Your arbitrary descision regarding how many aunts and uncles I’m allowed is rediculous. My Parents and their siblings were born in the 1930’s and 1920’s when families were very large, 11 on my father’s side and 8 on my mom’s. Long ago I created memorials for all of them and their spouses, because no one else seemed interested in this project. So just now I’ve gone back to add on my relationship to these people and got a message that I have reached the maximum number of Aunt’s and Uncles allowed! Rediculous!! Do I have to create second account so that I can manage all my relatives?
I totally agree with you. There should be no limit on how many family members you have. My ancestors also had large families. 10 to 13 or 14 kids, etc. Am I just supposed to pretend they don’t exist and why should someone else have MY family members that are not even related to them. That is not right.
I agree with you. I’d like to hear the rationale behind limiting how many relatives you can claim or make memorial pages for on Find a Grave. Why should a non-relative be allowed to manage my family unless there is absolutely no one else to manage it?
Great example, Bill! One of gr-gms born in 1848 was #1I of 12 kids. All but one of her sibs “went forth and multiplied”. Which sib do I leave out to comply with the new rule? The uncle of a friend in her 90s had 14 children and judging by the number of his offspring who are her DNA matches, they couldn’t comply with FaG’s limit on kids. Oddly I’ve never been warned about how many children I can include in a family in an Ancestry tree, so why here?
Photographing graves and adding documents has been an on going project for us who enjoy the puzzle of adding data and loved ones to each other. It has been interesting to see any change however hard to follow for now. One must adjust. I only hope to pass on the pages of bio I have added to family members. For family history Ancestry is better equipped. Thank you Find a Grave for being here for the beginners who search for family members and add heart to their loved ones.
With regard to relationships, “grandchild” does not go far enough. I would suggest you include “great-grandchild,” and even “great-great-grandshild.”
Hi, I do not mind the new rules at all. I am still emotionally upset because I had added my uncle and aunt with the full details if their life and connections to their parents and siblings, I put a lot of work into it. Until another member who put up similar names with absolutely no details and even had my aunts wrong last name up complained that the ones I had put up were a copy of hers and someone on F.A.G. gave my hard work over all to her. It still hurts, it hurt so much that I just could not talk about it for years. We all know that there are a lot of people with the same names but she didn’t have their full names and like I said she didn’t even have my aunts correct name. WHO DOES THAT!!! SOMEONE AT Find a Grave that’s who. So, I hope these new rules help with this, by the way, SHE WASN’T EVEN FAMILY!!!!!! I am.
A few of the things Find A Grave is NOT mentioning.
When a “relative” claims a newly created memorial through this feature, they don’t just assume management. They become the creator. Meaning they can delete the memorial and recreate it, which has always been considered “bad form”. The ability to delete a transferred memorial was removed years ago for exactly that reason. But now it’s A-okay.
There are now many duplicates of these “limited view” memorials and NONE can be submitted for merging. They can’t even be added to a VC for submitting at a later date. How massive a problem is this going to be in 3 months?
The relationship flag matters in a merge. If the dupe is managed by a relative, the merge screen will place that memorial as the one to remain. Even when the transfer is now required, Find A Grave? And the duplicate was deliberate? And the relative never requested a transfer? Really, Find a Grave? Again, deliberately duplicating was always considered “bad form”.
Oh yikes!
I thought there was still the option to do “virtual cemeteries” for people who wanted to “collect” family memorials. I manage the ones I have input, and I transfer to family but then you have people who ask for transfers of entire cemeteries, one person at a time. I have also added personal photos to Find a Grave which have been copied and uploaded to ancestry, at least Find a grave shows who posted the original photo (it is a lot of work, time, and gas) and Find a Grave will allow obits without having to pay newspaper.com an additional fee with what we have to have pay ancestry. I was with my sister when her mom passed and she was upset that someone had made a memorial for her mother the same day the obit ran so I can understand wholeheartedly, I do agree with the three month time period. I actually will not (or try not to) make any memorials for the newly deceased because it can be upsetting but I think if people have the option to just transfer memorials at whim you will find less volunteers. Some people sit behind a desk and request transfers, it’s a whole lot easier than walking a cemetery in the summer. I volunteered with a historical society to help survey cemeteries but anyone could have went there and taken pictures, but they didn’t.
I agree with you. I have walked numerous cemeteries, taken my vacation time traveling to different cemeteries to take photos I shared all my photos with a cousin that was on Find a Grave and she posted them all so all those hundreds of photos have her name on them but I am the one that walked the cemeteries and took all the photos. My name does not appear at all for all the photos I have taken over the years. But I haven’t complained. I did it as they are my relatives, ancestors or close friends and I wanted to share the photos with others so they could see them.
Find A Grave is not allowing all comments to be posted. Anything that points out the bad things about this change is nixed.
Due to the weekend it took a little time to approve comments.
Not true. I’m reading plenty of criticisms.
Interesting comments, good points made. I also wish there were choices for great- grandparent or great-great, my memorials fit more in that category. My biggest complaint though is an issue I have rarely seen addressed….memorials made for living people. I keep coming across some over-enthusiastic photographers who take a photo for a couple’s gravestone, then make 2 memorials even tho the death date is missing for the person still alive. So far these people have been cooperative in deleting the memorials I’ve wrote to them about but it still bothers me. And since their goal seems to be focused on the gravestone pic, they rarely link parents, children, brothers, sisters, etc. Frustrating to try to fix.
Thank you so much! I had a terrible time getting the unknown creator to transfer my brother’s memorial to me.
In regards to transfer of management, that the person to whom the responsibililty if being transferred to be able to consent to the transfer. I’ve had this responsibility transferred to me when I did not consent, and because of my advanced age, I thought it was important that I transfer the duties to someone else quickly but I found it difficult to find someone to accept the transfer.
Thank you for the changes. I personally have dealt with a contributor that just adds all he can even if it’s already there. He then tells you to delete your loved ones memorial for he wants credit. At the same time some great people have helped me so much and been so kind. Thank you for the great work.
In reply to Theron Rogers:
A default of “not related” will not always work. For example, I might be a great-grandchild of a person. That relationship is not “in the list”, yet there IS a relationship.
I am grateful to those who visit the cemeteries and post the graves. I have found sites for family members long since gone thanks to the volunteers’ efforts.
Thanks Madeleine for your comment. Most of the comments I have read the people are against people going to cemeteries taking pictures and adding memorials. I have been do this for several years and always that I was helping and now I feel like I have been wasting my time.
Dorothy, the comments that stand out for me are against people poaching obits and creating new memorials before the family has a chance to do so. Second, that the transfer of memorials is inconsistent at best. And, third, that some people are either obsessing over grave counts, or they have turned it into a competition. I think most people in general appreciate the efforts of cemetery documentarists like yourself.
Thank you so much! I think there are people that actually roam the cemeteries looking for new graves. My parents were on here the week after they were buried. It was by someone they never knew. I am really happy to see the new change. It is appreciated
I might also suggest that the # of memorials created does not have to be public. Find a Grave should keep that internal so that a “contest” of who has the most memorials does not exist.
Excellent idea, Michael!
A sensible solution, Michael, but why waste apparently-precious server space on those numbers in the first place? Just sayin’….
Just me, but, I would like to see a little more control over pictures that are placed on memorials. Most pictures are fine but some are not. It would be great if Memorial Managers could manage pictures too.
Agreed! Some rando put a pic up that wasn’t even the correct person. Couldn’t remove it! V. Frustrating!
I manage several memorials that someone has posted pictures of the Census Records, etc., as part of the memorial. This is not what Find A Grave should allow. It would be great if the manager could delete such “pictures”.
I agree I do not like people putting picture of a census report on a memorial that I have made.
I too agree that census records don’t need to be posted on Find A Grave, unless there is something really, really interesting or unique about it.
I never cared for death certificates on memorials. I think that somehow another place on the memorial would be more fit for things like death certificates, census, veteran’s cards, etc. Not in the picture section.
I agree with you. I have been doing a lot of gravestone transcriptions and some of the photos are totally unreadable. Photos are taken too far away, they are shaded or in bright sunlight. I have taken hundreds of gravestone pictures over the years and try to make them all readable. Its such a shame to have a photo posted and you can’t even read it. I do also realize that some stones are not going to come out no matter what due to age and condition.
Like when the “new” format was made — why change something which is not broken?? So it is with “new and improved”…….,.. why change when something is not broken. Getting use to the new format was tough, why throw in more road blocks???
I am delighted to see this change in policy. My husband and I were horrified to have a distant relative enter a memorial for my husband’s mother before we could. As genealogists, it was most upsetting for this presumption. I politely asked her to remove it so that our entry could correctly reflect our family but she ignored our request. She wanted to link her within a larger family lineage that she was interested. There are now two entries for my mother-in -law. This person is now deceased and I wish there was a process to remove her entry. We appreciate your recognition of this problem as it is apparently a common occurrence.
Ask findagrave to merge the memorials.
I don’t think any of these changes is going to affect me much, if at all. I don’t suppose they will satisfy the people who have been complaining but if they do, fine.
The mourning period is respectful of the family and I see no reason to object. Somewhere along the way, the intent of the site seems to have changed. I was researching my own line when asked to volunteer as a photographer in my area and received email requests to search for monuments and similar surnames surrounding those graves. That worked well and contributors were focused on providing records for others searching online. I still research and fill in some blanks for edit requests that are works-in-progress with a few additions when I can add much more. That old model worked well. As researchers / volunteers, we were focused on contributing to the group and members. Why not stick with contributing versus competing? One thing I’ll toss into the discussion is the monuments that are purchased gravesites – why are the living added as memorials? What are the mourning period requirements for the living?
Hi. I didn’t know about Find a Grave until I accidentally came across it a few years ago, while “googling” a relative. Imagine my surprise when I found ALL my deceased relatives had been listed by someone I knew, and when I asked her to please transfer management to me, the lady refused! She finally consented to transfer my parents, but there are grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great grandparents, aunts/uncle’s, great aunts/uncle’s,cousins, etc! This has caused me very much grief, so much that I wish I had never even FOUND the site! She transferred them to people I have never heard of in my family history, maternal or paternal, and because she was friends with my ex-husband, wanted to make sure that I never got mgmt. over my dear departed relatives who helped raise me! She literally had thousands of listings. One of the people she gave mgmt. to, has been courteous, and offered to transfer some to me. However, I think the “hoarding” just because you can should be stopped! Me? I’d like to get mgmt. over my relatives and offer them to anyone I find that may be as close or closer, or turn them over to my children, as they are about all that is left of the family. Thank you!
This is not hoarding. It is research and a lot of work.
I agree a relative should enter information. There is a added photo on my Dad’s site that is not him. I asked for it to be removed but it hasn’t been removed.
This is wonderful news. I know when we did my brothers Find a Grave someone had done it before we even had the funeral. Family should be the only ones managing accounts.
Sounds like a good idea on the surface, Michael, but suppose the family is not aware of f.a.g. or has no
computer? I’ve never refused to xfer a memorial, when asked. Most of the ones I’ve created have no
relationship to me….they’re veterans. Because I made it my “mission” to assure that all veterans whose
obits were published in my paper would have their service to our country memorialized. I’ve seldom had
had requests for their xfer. I have, however, received thanks from families of deceased vets.
This new policy change means it will be virtually impossible for me to continue this and many vets will
go unrecognized. Sad
What is to stop people from trolling Find a Grave just to take down memorials for all of their family members?
GREAT question, Mary!! Nothing whatsoever far as I can figure out. Certain changes ignored bad outcomes anyone with two working brain cells could predict.
I find it ghoulish someone would create hundreds of memorials for people with no relation.Very strange hobby. After my father passed one year ago on 1/18, it took me more than three months to be able to create his memorial as part of my grieving and healing process. Imagine my confusion and horror when I added his name and said a memorial already existed created by someone in Utah who has no relationship with my family. I didn’t realize people tried to up their numbers in such a sensitive area. It’s not a contest to play with people’s feelings. I suggest you don’t allow a non family member to make a memorial ever, not just three months. I was completely ignored by the creator. Finally I was granted manage of my own father’s memorial.
I’m sorry for your loss, Laura but there is no way Findagrave can verify who is a family member and who is not to be able to stop someone from posting a memorial.
I creative memorial so that family that are not able to go to the cemeteries can visit them online. If the request ownership I do transfer the memorial to them.
Totally agree with you. The only Memorials I have are those that are related to me. At the current time I did take over my cousin’s Memorials as she is extremely ill so when you look at how many I have, its a lot but they are not all mine. My cousin and I share relationships with each other as her family married into my family at the GGGrandparent level so we have joint relationships. Neither of us mind transferring Memorials to those that are related and we kindly do so. But I have had people ask me to transfer those in my direct relationship and I have said no as I am closer in relationship. But can’t tell you the number of times I have been rejected in obtaining Memorials from people that are not even related at all. To me, that is not right.
I concur! I only have 87 memorials. 95% are direct relation to me. Its sickening to think that someone else can just take them because there isn’t a gggrand or enough of the grand.
If non-family members can’t add people, there is likely to be fewer additions. Many times, I’ve added people from my home area, especially if it states in the obit: “no known survivors”. There may be people out there, somewhere, but who knows who or where, or if they know where the individual even was..
Just a question. I had followed the procedures and it do not make sense for me. “Are you a close relative?”, “Yes”, “I am their …” “child” [for instance, my mother died in 2008, so that is what I would place]. Now, when I go to “Maintained by: My Name, Relative, Child” it says that “My mother is the Child of My Self”. NOOO that is incorrect! Please help me out!!!
My grandfather’s brother has no surviving descendants, I have recently found information about some of them. I am not a close relative, but I am related. It would seem appropriate to be listed as a Distant Relative when I add their memorials.
I can see both sides of this issue. I really did not see a reason to change the rules. I was happy with things the way they were. The “rules” seem a bit extreme for a website that is meant to be informative and helpful. Waiting an extended period of time, defeats the purpose of the website (at least to me). Also, I can understand how hoarders can cause issues. Family members should be the ones to submit recently deceased obituaries. I truly appreciate those who record and map a local cemetery. It helps with geneaology. No matter what, not everyone will be happy with these rules.
Agreed!
Ty for these changes. As somebody who found my (step) father’s memorial information just days after his passing, was incredibly painful. The information shown was incomplete and completely left my mother and I out of the information and only including his first wife. It did not include the actual obit information (where my mother and I are mentioned) but only a quick ancestor search of his first wife and children. It just added to the pain in immeasurable ways. (for clarity – I didn’t mind the mentioning of his first wife, she was the mother of his sons…but to leave my mother out, who was wife for over 40 yrs…was hurtful.) I had planned to add his information, linking it to his parents and sons who had already passed. But I was just so hurt at what I read on his memorial on the Find a Grave page, it was too much to deal with. So thank you for limiting who can “claim” these memorials. The person who wrote his memorial information did transfer it to me but I’m just so upset looking at the info that is there that needs “cleaned up” that I just can’t do it yet. Some stranger on the internet had no right to inflict that on my family in our time of grief. So thank you again.
For people who frequent Find a Grave often and deal with rules and regulations frequently, and may I add, persons much younger than I (91) these changes make sense possibly. Me? I find them confusing, difficult to remember and understand. In by-gone-days, “things” were simple. I like simple!
I totally agree with you. You are either related or you are not, the only difference is in how closely you are related. Saying that your relationship is private to me is a cop out and reason for anyone to pretend they are related. Why is your relationship private? Shouldn’t be a restriction on the number of children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc. etc. you have. They are either your family or they are not. You can’t put a number on how many decendents you have and if you have to, then who are you going to not include? To me, that is just wrong and I also like it simple. Don’t lie, don’t hoard and be kind. This is not a children’s game to see how many people you can collect, it’s not beany babies. It’s our ancestors and our families.
A fellow in my high school class graduated in 1959 took it upon himself to put up a listing for every one of our 115 class members. This created a great deal of angina for some families. His heart was being helpful doing something that others did not know how to do. But time changed and more families want to do their own listings. Listing families that you don’t know can be a mixed blessing. Years back I listed 22 graves for an abandoned Friends cemetery here in Pa. Only once in 22 years has anyone contacted me about the possibility that one of the graves might have belonged to their ancestor.
Thank you for this. I was close to my grandfather. He died 12/23. Somehow, someone was able to create a memorial on the very day he died.. I don’t know how that person knew about it that soon. I wrote the obituary. It wasn’t published until 12/28 due to the holidays.
I like the updates but also agree that the choices should include in law relationhips. I also agree that full obits are full of information that will prove relationships. I have tried to add obits to memorials I do not manage and they rarely get added, one manager said it had to be short and not include surviving decendents.
I truly think this is good but the best way for new memorials is to set a within date of death to be able to set up a new memorial. Give them at least a week to mourn their loved ones which is about the same as Newspapers are. There are so many people that hop on Find a Grave just as soon as they get notification from funeral home.
I recently began revisiting all my family memorials (10 generations!) and soon learned that I am limited to how many uncles and aunts I may have. I am assuming cousins are also limited. Coming from an organization that obsesses on genealogy, I am curious as to why I cannot claim ALL my family as relatives. Also, since my wife does not “do” Find a Grave, I have entered her family (quite a number also). Am I allowed to call these people my relatives? At least my in-laws?
I’m the sexton at two cemeteries and keep detailed records of all burials in each. I think it is important to record each death and burial and keep maintenance of that memorial in the local hands of members of the cemetery board. Adding memorials from obits is very easy but in my records I also keep details of plots and grave numbers. I don’t care for the changes but will abide by them to keep the site an interesting informative feature of find a grave.
Response to J Keith Cook (pastor) You suggest posting such info as “sadly, he took his own life” ,
This is insensitive and intrusive. Family members suffer an unbearable grief when a child or spouse takes their own life, Its a private grief that should be protected and not be exploited online for public who have no need to know. When we lay a loved one to rest, let them to rest. When you post information like this it is NOT helpful to generations to come. And it is Not history. Its fodder for gossip. Family’s pass this information from generation to generation. Please be compassionate. Don’t smear this person by posting such information.
Let them truly be laid to REST!
I think Find a Grave should consider a longer time between death dates and postings. In this day and age, peoples’ credit and accounts can be tampered with by scammers after they have passed. In fact, it’s a pretty vulnerable time. I was advised to not put out an obituary by our funeral director for this reason. “Loved ones and friends know, who else really needs to be notified.” He was right. It takes AT LEAST a year for an executor to settle things. Add mourning and grief to that, and really…. Peoples quest for tree info is just not that important.
I don’t totally agree with that mortuary’s statement. It’s been over 50 years since I left my home town, and there are people I haven’t seen in that many years. While my folks were still alive, they’d keep me posted on events, but they’re gone too. In some instances, findagrave is the only notification I’ve gotten on some of my cousins that I’d lost contact with because we were all busy with schooling, young families, teenagers, and all of the hustle & bustle that are involved. When my parents passed, that link was broken, and findagrave has been a blessing to catch up with what’s happened since I’ve lived so far away from so many.
I agree with you Karen. I left my home state 26 years ago and all of my elder relatives are gone and the youngsters left, don’t know all the same people as I did growing up so I get no news from anyone there. Find A Grave has been a blessing in keeping me in the loop for some of my cousins, other relatives, old friends and neighbors, and old classmates as well. It is a wonderful site as far as obtaining information. If they could just weed out some of those that are dishonest and unwilling to share and transfer it would be such an attribute to the site.
I do appreciate the changes.
I am the family genealogist for my husband’s side of the family as well. Do I go ahead and check my husband’s relationship to my in-law’s memorials? ie: son, nephew, cousin, grandparent etc? It would be nice to be able to show that these are my in-laws and not my direct family but I would also like to show the relationship. Thank you!
This change is very long over due. I’m one of the people that’s been greatly affected by BOTH issues.
I’m still upset for Findagrave taking so long to transfer my grandfather’s memorial, who I share a last name with, from the dead “super admin” account with thousands of memorials attached, that had control of it and hadn’t replied to me or anyone in all of that time. Seven years is way too long to be appealing to Findagrave for an account that I should have been able to get the first time I emailed Findagrave admins. It’s had a cost in time as well. In that seven years my disability has really taken hold and it’s a struggle to live much less do the research for my family like I used to.
But the big one? The one I’m still really angry over? My maternal grandmother passed away Thanksgiving Day 2013, the funeral was a few weeks later and the one thing I could do for her was create her Findagrave memorial. Only, the second I logged in, I found some rando cemetary walker had created it within an HOUR of her body being put in the ground. That really set me over the edge that day because I was already grieving, in pain from my disability, and now I had some jackanape prevent me from creating one because one had already been created. I commented to them asking why they had created my grandmothers memorial. Their account was one that had thousands of memorials. What gave them the right to make MY grandmother’s memorial? They’d sent me a message and a transfer but I didn’t get the notification email until the day after. I was so distraught I ended up crying myself to sleep that day and woke up the next morning and finally got their message (which had been dated like 1AM anyway), and I never got a chance to remake the memorial with the date I wanted it to have.
Every time I try to do anything for her memorial I get mad and have to quit out again especially when I see the creator listed as another account on her page.
I could, theoretically, just remake her memorial still, yes, but the damage has been done after I woke up the next morning, and it, in fact, does matter to me no matter how inane or silly or whatever you reading this over may think. I wanted the creation date to be the day of the funeral. The date of the memorial created with a random 202x date would just remind me I had wanted to do it it the DAY OF her funeral so it’d give the DAY OF her funeral as the date. And I had to deal with a random “super admin” making it instead of me. And remaking it now wouldn’t make me forget what happened on the actual day.
Making her memorial was my way of grieving and I still feel like I was cheated out of something and never really got to grieve the way I wanted. Genealogy was something she was big into. She did it for 60 years, and I’d been planning to make her records here since family history was something we shared with each other and my mother. The only way to fix this is to go back in time and get to create the memorial on the day of her funeral so it’s my account, not their’s, on the creator section. And even then I’m still not sure I would forget. But too much time has passed and too much hurt has happened.
Every time I look at her memorial I don’t remember the happy times from my childhood, I remember how angry and distraught I was that day I didn’t get to go to her funeral and some rando took the one thing I could have done for her.
The worst part? I can’t even properly be mad at the person who created it because they were horrified when I called them out and transferred it. It was, however, just an hour too late and yes the next day wouldn’t have been any better than right now, today. I’m just hoping they got the point and extend a little courtesy to other grieving families, and don’t put up memorials right (as in, within minutes) after the funeral anymore.
I was shocked when I found out ancestry.com was using all my memorials in family trees that they created. There was no mention of who created the memorial or posted the photos. Then my photos were all over the internet. I have kept my genealogy of my family and my husband’s family private and chose not to share it to the world. I consider genealogy as never perfect, but when new information is found to always any previous misinformation, it will be changed within my genealogy, yet, there it is out there in its original form. I, too, provide memorials for others who can connect to other loved ones. findagrave has helped me connect to many lost ancestors in our families. I am certainly willing and happy to transfer memorials to any closer relative of the family. To me, writing and posting a memorial is an act of love and respect for the dead.
What if the creator is a cousin and the person asking for the transfer is a cousin? Does the transfer go through or does it remain with the creator?
I would be happy that someone would take the time and effort to list a recently deceased relative. I guess I don’t understand today’s mentality
Understand this: I had planned on, as part of my grieving process, to make my grandmother’s memorial the day of her funeral. Someone got to it first within minutes of the burial. I was distraught because that was the one thing I could do for her in all of that and they transfered it just an hour too late so I could delete and remake. Just because you would be happy doesn’t negate other people’s feelings or that someone who had planned on doing it themselves wouldn’t be completely gutted. It’s nothing to do with “today’s mentality,” it’s about empathy.
Thank you for the changes.
The cemetery over the years received complaints about postings on Find a Grave. Memorials are posted usually within hours of obituaries being published.
The cemetery started to post them in an attempt preserve them for the families and transfer them upon request.
We never posted obituaries personal or contact information for privacy issues.
Another complaint that we receive is posting of people who are alive and well and have a monument with there name and birth date.
Thank you for the changed.
Wills Cemetery
Jim Clark, Director
The new changes are good!! Thank you!! I do have a pet peeve and that is members that won’t transfer memorials because it’s all about the numbers for them! If you have made a memorial (I go to cemeteries and take photos of all the headstones and then create memorials) for someone you are not related to, the least you can do is transfer it to a relative if they ask to manage it (I have done this quite a few times!) I also agree with previous posters that there should be a great and great great grandparent button. 🙂
Where is the comment I added three days ago?
Due to the weekend, it took a little time to approve comments. It should be there now.
Amen to the requests for eliminating the “high score” obsession! Someone posted my father’s death within minutes of it becoming public record. It was incomplete and full of inaccuracies. Perhaps a rule should be in place to limit postings to a certain time after death — a week or even a month — to stop these “grave robbers”!
With all the replies, it’s hard to gain any new value but to me the issues I’ve seen from the dozens I’ve read are:
1) Make it easier for “near” family members to gain control of listing
Thus having you list if you are a) Direct Relative, b) Near Relative, c) Distant Relative, d) Family Friend, e) Historian is helpful. I for one am VERY thankful for those that have recorded so many memorials that I had no way of finding without their help.
But asking for ownership by a more close relative should be given special treatment since some folks don’t respond for months (yep I missed one for a month or two due to life, so sorry).
Of course some form of this policy should be tied to recent deaths vs my posting my great uncle who died 50+yrs ago in a distant state where no one in the family knew where he was (he was hiding from his family). Many of my 2nd cousins have thanked me for solving this mystery.
I do wish they would extend the categories but agree with the goal and this change.
2) Limit the display of recently passed people
Here I understand that death is a trying time and for some the complaint is someone beat them to it, for others that someone added data that the family did not want posted (even if posted at the funeral home site or newspaper), for others they just want some time to let the family heal before this is displayed. These are all good reasons.
But Find-A-Grave could easily resolve this by restricting the display of information for say 60-90 days from a death. Just show the name and death date or pick some limited information and list the memorial as “pending” which gives family members time to request ownership and thus control of what gets displayed.
The request that historians/genealogist wait 90 days is not really fair as you do things as you see it. Yes there may be a few zealous folks out there that want 100K memorials but let them have their glory. If I were Find-A-Grave, I would have a policy that if you have more than 1,000, 10,000 listings then ownership can be transferred without request unless they mark the memorial as a near family member. These folks are not about preserving their family but helping others, but maybe got caught up in the thrill of the process. They still get to keep their numbers of how many they created, but their goal should be to manage as few as possible as family members step up.
3) Remember the primary purpose of Find A Grave is to share information
Again, the whole purpose is to remember our family members and help other families be able to remember theirs. Families should be able to make sure living family members data is not exposed (although often they are on the web at the funeral home, newspapers, …. so kind of late to focus on this). But one family member should not be able to dictate to other family members whether grandpa is posted, maybe if you are the only living descendant. But the secondary goal is to share info with those that cannot easily track it down. Not everyone can drive across the country, search newspapers, …. so this information helps not only you but dozens, hundreds, thousands of others and we should rejoice in the fact that there are so many folks out there that have helped you and me find out about a relative, connect dots in our trees, and connect with others.
Sometimes we confuse the implementation with the goals but the only thing I would recommend is be clear on the goals and then tweaking the implementation becomes less confrontational.
JonS
Gosh, Jon; your post makes so much sense and is so logical that “the powers that be” will probably
ignore it completely. But I’m with you.
Looks like some issues or problems are being addressed. That is good, thank you for this. It would be great to see Find A Grave address the issues of the people going out taking photos in large numbers of graves and info looking for numbers and never responding to those who are directly related to someone for a transfer to the relative rather then keeping it for numbers sake. There are those who do not do this let alone respond to an ask via e-mail or suggestion. I understand it’s a hobby thing for some but there are those who use this for family research. If we ask, the owners should transfer and or make corrections when asked if the corrections are valid.
I appreciate your letter. It makes some great points that I agree with!
So it sounds like I have been wasting my time going to cemeteries and taking pictures. It is very time consuming. Until I hear more positive comments I will not be taken any more pictures or adding any new memorials.
Dorothy Sunday. I think it’s sad that you think more of your accumulation than you do about family members who may not have had time to post their relatives on Find a Grave. You either want to help or you want to run up your numbers like it is a race. Can’t have it both ways.
Linda, I go to and take pictures to help other people. Not just to help me. I have found a lot of relatives on Find a Grave and I normally do not ask for transfers. I do transfer memorial if the person is not related to me. I don’t care about numbers. I care about helping people that are not able to visit cemeteries where their loves one was laid. I have been to cemeteries where I have walked on snakes and I have had a person walk up to me and ask me for money. That is enough to keep most people from going to cemeteries and do what I do and hundreds of other people. I don’t think some of the people making negative comments about us going to cemeteries to take pictures and add memorials. I can assure you it is not about numbers.
When older cemeteries are undocumented it is always a good and kind thing to photograph it. If some consider it wasting time, maybe they’re doing it for the wrong reason, or maybe the cemetery is already photographed. A good rule of thumb might be to check through the cemetery list at FindaGrave to see whether it has been photographed already. Or if there’s a section that needs it.
I might suggest the same for people requesting photographs. More than once I’ve received a request only to go to the cemetery and find it is already done.
The intent is to perform a service for bereaved families, not see how many photos we can take, isn’t it?
Dorothy, I’m sure the vast majority of people like myself who are tracing their ancestors deeply appreciate your efforts. Please don’t be put off from the negative comment. Thank you for your time.
Thank you Scott.
Dorothy, if you’re adding people who have been there for years, or doing it for undocumented gravesites, if you’re doing it for people who have requested, then you’re fine and doing good works.
What people take issue with is when a random non related person makes a memorial before, or within minutes (like the random who posted my grandmother’s memorial), hours, or days of the funeral while the family is still grieving and knee deep in the middle of taking care of the estate, and that family may be aware of Findagrave and want to do it themselves, and often times refuse a transfer to the relative after the fact, or the ones who collect memorials then refuse relatives a transfer. My grandfather was controlled by an inactive “super admin” account (lots of memorials) who never responded and it took seven years to get Findagrave to transfer it to me after a bunch of appeals.
And then some of these people are posting LIVING PEOPLE who have simply purchased plots or headstones.
You’re conflating yourself with those people who do these things. I and others have a real grievance with how some of my close relatives memorials have been handled by these people. I fully understand what others are posting with their experiences, and these “negative comments” you see aren’t just moaning for the sake of moaning, but it’s not your work that’s the problem. The problem is a lot of people fail to realize there’s real, grieving people behind these memorials, especially the ones for recently deceased, and more than likely to find their relative’s name pop up online with Findagrave. The problem here is a lack of empathy and forethought and general ettiquette when dealing with online memorials because this is completely new and revolutionary in the way of memorializing ancestors. Anyone from across the globe can see these memorials. That’s a far cry from the skulls memorialized and buried in the ground of what was once known as the Fertile Crescent that clearly were of import to people also now long gone.
I cried myself to sleep the day my grandmother’s memorial had been grabbed by someone else before I had a chance to post it, and I am not kidding it was created within an hour to minutes before I logged on, myself on the day of her funeral and that was a big part of my own private ceremony that I didn’t get to do. I was crying again yesterday because seeing her memorial with that person’s name on it brought it all up again. It’s like salt in a wound.
I would like to make another suggestion which does not relate to your initial post. Although I certainly appreciate the work volunteers do in taking pictures of gravesites and no doubt many clean them up before they take a picture. However some don’t and I think it’s the responsibility when pictures like that are submitted you can simply ask someone who is knowledgeable about photo-shop and they can remove things like bird droppings or an over grown gravesite.
Thank you so much. I had strangers post my dads and nieces before the funeral has even happened. Thankfully the person who posted my dads was kind about the transfer. The other one was a complete jerk and I had to take it to administration to get it.