[Update: Thank you for your comments on this post. We’ve made some updates to memorials for recently deceased folks based on your feedback. Updates include making it a little easier to get to the memorial and adding options to report duplicates, suggest corrections and add the memorial to a virtual cemetery. We’ve also added a few more details to the types of relationships and made those match up better with the information in the help files.]
Over the years, we’ve heard from members about the timing of memorials for people who are recently deceased. The time directly following the loss of a loved one can be challenging and when a family member finds that an unrelated person has created a Find a Grave® memorial for their loved one before the family has had a reasonable time to mourn, it can add to the emotional strain.
We’ve made some changes on the site that we hope will help close relatives, while still supporting the Find a Grave community’s efforts to catalog death and burial information. These changes include:
- Limits on what is shown on memorials for people who have died in the past 3 months.
- An option for memorial creators and managers to indicate their relationship to the person memorialized.
- A simplified process for family members to request management of memorials of people who have died in the past year.
- Other updates to support these changes.
These changes will apply to memorials added after January 11, 2022.
We are also updating our transfer guidelines to include some close relatives that are not in a direct line.
Here are a few examples to provide more details about the changes:
Memorials Managed By a Relative
When you add a new memorial, you’ll be asked, “Are you a close relative?” You can also set your relationship to people in memorials you already manage on the Edit page. If you select “Yes” and choose your relationship, the memorial will look and be displayed like any other memorial on the site.
When adding your relationship, use the checkbox to make your relationship public or private. If you choose to “Show relationship in source information,” your relationship will display next to your profile name at the bottom of the memorial. If you choose to keep your relationship private, nothing will be displayed next to your profile name for other members, but you will see a note that your relationship is private.
In memorials lists, you will also see a green dot (public) or lock (private) to indicate memorials for people you are related to.
Memorials Managed By Someone Who is Not Related
For memorials managed by someone who is not a relative, the manager’s view of the memorial will be just the same as any other memorial they manage. To other viewers, the memorial will display with limited information for three months from the death date. Here is an example of what a memorial for a recently deceased person will look like in a search list (for everyone except the manager):
In addition to limiting the information we display, we have also added a simple way for family members to request to manage the memorial. A close relative can click the “Manage” button, add their relationship, and become the manager of a new memorial for that person. Since the manager is related, the memorial will now display and act as any other memorial on the site.
After three months from the death date, the view of the memorial is no longer limited. The memorial will show as others do except that for up to a year from the death date, the option for a close relative to “Manage” the memorial will show on the memorial.
Adding Your Relationship to Memorials You Manage
Relationship information helps us make decisions about merges, transfer requests and memorials for the recently deceased. You can add your relationship to existing memorials that you manage. To add your relationship, go to the memorial, select “Edit,” scroll down, and choose your relationship. We limit the number of memorials you can manage with certain relationship types to help prevent abuse.
You can find a list of memorials you are related to by hovering over your profile name, selecting “My Memorials” and choosing “Related” from the dropdown menu next to “My Memorials.”
Updates to Transfer Guidelines
Memorials are transferred for relatives with these close relationships: child, spouse/partner, sibling, parent, grandchild, great-grandchild, grandparent, great-grandparent, niece/nephew, great niece/nephew, aunt/uncle, great aunt/uncle, or first cousin. This would include adoptive, step, and in-law versions of these relationships. Please show sensitivity to immediate and extended family members and their requests.
If two members are related within these guidelines and both would like to manage the memorial, the member with the closer relationship should be given management.
Learn more from our Help site here.
We sincerely appreciate all the volunteers and their work in adding memorials to the site everyday. We feel that these changes provide an appropriate balance between allowing memorials to be added for those who are recently deceased and showing sensitivity to their family members.
For those contributors that are saying they’ll stop creating memorials, that’s sad. Makes us think you are doing it for the numbers and the glory. There are so many old graves out there that haven’t been documented, why don’t you concentrate on those and let the recently dearly departed rest in peace and let families make their own memorials in their own time. If in a few years, no memorial, have at it!
I go to different cemeteries and new graves are right there with the old graves so saying the newer graves are a month old it does not make much sense to skip that grave in hopes that a family member will go and take a picture of the marker. So I just take everyone that is where I am taking pictures that day. There is a lot of memorials that are already added to Find a Grave so I add the picture to the memorial that is already made. So if I skip the newer graves I don’t go back to the same location all the time. So if no one else goes to that cemetery to take pictures then there is a good possibility that memorial will never be created. Instead of the ones calling us grave robbers you should be thank us for going to the cemeteries to help the people that are not able to go. I have been doing this for almost 16 years never thinking about how unappreciated so many people there are on this website. And yes I not sure I will ever do it again.
Dorothy – I have been doing this for 10 years. After vitriolic comments I am reading on here, I am questioning my continued volunteer work and participation on the site. Here are a few of the best:
1) The person who said she thought it was “stupid” that people posted memorials for anyone they are not related to. I guess she does not understand that Find a Grave would not exist without the work of those “stupid” volunteers.
2) The person complaining about pictures of a grave full of weeds or dirty stone and why we don’t photoshop all of the pictures. How about family members take care of graves – trim weeds, clean stones, etc.? I do it for my family members’ stones. I try to take the best picture I can and will do some pulling of weeds, but if the family is neglecting headstones, there is not much I can do about that. We are not supposed to use cleaning solution on stones. If we did I am sure all of these commenters would be whining about that too.
3) The other commenters calling volunteers “grave robbers”.
Limiting the number of nieces and nephews, aunts, uncles and cousins is ridiculous! Do you know how large some families are? Have a heart! None of the memorials that I manage are for anyone but family and if find a closer relative I ask them if they would like it transferred to them. I just did that today for one and she said yes, but she needs to create an account first. It will be transferred to her as soon as she’s ready, after all it is her sister. And the reason I jump on and put up family pages so quickly is because I’ve had numerous persons refuse to allow me a close relative to manage the memorial page. I’ve also had FindAGrave powers that be merge a page that I’d created first into someone who wasn’t even related just because they live close to where my family member lives and were able to travel there to take the photos. That’s just flat out WRONG!!!! That person was not even related! I was grateful that person decided to transfer the management to me. But, FIndAGrave needs to keep family members with control over their own families memorial, so that they can decide what information is put on there not what someone who is not even related puts on there. I find this clearly ridiculous. I only manage 107 memorials in the first place and they are all family. But, now FindAGrave in their ridiculous brains have decided they know how many aunt/uncles I have or how many cousins I have, or for that matter do they not know there are step families also involved here. Numerous sides of my families have had up to 12 children yet, I can’t claim to be their niece because FindAGrave says I’ve gone over the limit of niece memorials that they’ve decided were too many! WOW, just WOW!!!! I have 7 siblings does that mean I cannot even have those memorials. My parents both came from huge families, yet you’re limiting aunts and uncle and nieces and nephews and cousins. Who are you to decide I cannot manage those family members memorials.
I think this is a great step forward, however, I have concerns with limiting the number of relatives for certain groups. I come from a very large family. Based on the limits, I cannot indicate my relationship for my aunt’s and uncles.
I agree with these changes and have had some problems with non related posters not wanting to update info or transfer to a family member.
One example was that I came across a memorial for my grandmother, to my very great surprise, as my grandmother was alive and well at the time. I explained this to the creator and requested they delete the memorial. They refused, so I asked they transfer management to me and only did so when I got Find A Grave involved. I don’t understand this thinking at all. What happened was there was a single headstone with both my grandparents’ names on it. My grandfather was deceased and his birth and death dates were on the stone. My grandmother’s birth date was on it, but no death date…BECAUSE SHE HADN’T DIED YET! In fact, she lived for another decade after that. It was unnerving to see a memorial in place for a living relative.
It makes me sad to hear Find a Grave volunteers described as thieves, pirates, busybodies, and vultures. As a long-term contributor to Find a Grave, I have made contact with many loving and caring people who are doing genealogy a great service through this all-volunteer effort, on their own time and at their own expense.
There are clear guidelines for memorial transfers based on family relationships. If they are followed, as they should be, most of the complaints here would be resolved. If a legitimate transfer is refused, contact Find a Grave.
This website is a great genealogy tool, and it has helped me with my genealogy, just as I have helped other people with their own research.
Please stop the hateful comments and work to improve this site, not to tear it down.
I would like to see a longer period than 3 months. Right after my mother died, an unrelated person put her on findagrave along with my father and grandparents who all share the same monument. That person also made mistakes in information about my four family members beyond what was on the monument.
I agree that family should always be the ones to handle their own families gravesite memorials. I have several of mine already set up. I also have many that I would transfer if a family member were to ask. However, I have one person that I have requested multiple times to have my Grandmother’s memorial transferred to me so I could maintain anything new that may come in and so that I and my cousins can view our Grandparents memorials together. But this person keeps refusing to transfer her to me. I am the eldest grandchild of Bernice Grass Shaw and I am the only person in our family who maintains the family records and history. We never got to know our Grandmother as she passed before any of her grandchildren were born. So this is a way for us to know her. So how can I get her memorial transferred to me if the person refuses to transfer it?
I found this site when I started doing genealogy 20+ years ago. I was so grateful that I could see where my
older, out of state relatives were buried and their actual birth dates. When I retired, I joined and started taking photos as a volunteer. When I would go to cemeteries to take photos I would look at monuments for unusual names, and older monuments and take photos and place the info on Find a Grave just in case someone might be looking. I know I helped a few people find who they were looking for and it brought me happiness to know I helped someone. Due to poor health, I haven’t been able to take photos for several years and I miss not being able to do this. All the older graves of my relatives and friends after I found them I sponsored them. I think it was $5.00 to do this. I’m not even sure if they still do this. I only had issues with one person when I wanted an edit and it was due to my relationship-I was a distant cousin, but I would be if someone died in the 1800’s. When I made memorials for the unusual name monuments I found I would look on Ancestry to find a tree. I would then write to the owner of the tree and let them know I had taken photos and would look at/inquire at nearby cemeteries for anymore relatives. I do like the idea of being listed as a relative and relatives should be able to edit any incorrect or sensitive info.
I guess maybe, I’m one of the grave robbers. It’s a hobby of mine. I’ll pick a cemetery, and over five or six weekends, I’ll shoot 25,000 photos of headstones in that cemetery. Then over the next six or eight months, I’ll add memorials, that are not already here, photos that are not already there, and I manage them. (It is shocking just how many photos are already here. I actually haven’t uploaded all that many, compared to other members of the Find-A-Grave community.) When folks ask me to transfer, I’ll transfer, but often, I don’t get to it overnight, it sometimes takes a bit for me to make the transfer. I’ve got a job and bills to pay, and this is just a hobby. When folks ask me to make a correction, if the information contradicts what is on the headstone, I don’t generally make the suggested change. I’ll often make a notation in the Bio section of the memorial notating the comment. People say, well, there are errors on the headstones. That’s a bummer. You’d think a headstone is one of the things the folks paying to have it made would make sure is correct. Look, I enjoy Find-A-Grave, I’m not here to give anybody anymore grief. Nobody is paying me for my time or labor. I’m not doing it for the numbers or the glory. If there is no headstone, for me to photograph, I don’t make a posting.
I do certainly think this policy with respect to scouring recent obituaries and Find-A-Grave enabling Transfer-on-Request to family members of the recently departed is a great idea. I do believe that these virtual memorials all ought to be managed by family, when family is available to manage them. It’s the digital version of clipping the grass at the cemetery when you live 3,500 kilometers away. Find-A-Grave has helped me tremendously in the research of my personal family tree, and I hope to get information out there that will help others. I enjoy all of the feedback I get from everyone who sends me feedback, I have found it all helpful and constructive. So, thanks for the cool platform Find-A-Grave. I just don’t want to join the collection anytime soon. Kim.
I have been reading through all of the comments on here, and left one earlier after I 1st read the article.
I so want to say a BIG THANK YOU to all of those people who go out in their spare time to record and photograph tombstones and create memorials, for all of these years! It is because of some bad apples that these new changes have had to be made! Trying to “jump the gun” in being the 1st to create and record a memorial as soon as a person is deceased is what the main problem has been and is, not that you want to be nice and make one before any one else. I totally agree with this change that a memorial has to wait a long enough time for the family to be able to make one, on their own and in their own time. Please clip these obits and keep them in a dated file, and if after 6 months to a year, the family hasn’t made one, then go ahead and create one! But PLEASE, if a member of the family contacts you and requests a transfer or a deletion, then PLEASE comply!!! After all, it IS their family member, and it should not upset you. Your job, as a volunteer, is to record those memorials that have not been recorded in the past.
I so appreciate all of those people in the past, who have created memorials, and yes, documented whole cemeteries, as I would never have found a LOT of my ancestors over the years! I have been trolling through my tree and searching Find A Grave to see if a memorial has been created for them. Then I look to see if any members of their family have a memorial. I spent a year doing this, and had to take a break for a bit due to my disablilties, but I have linked family’s together ( I thank Legacy Family Tree for adding a space to add the Find a Grave number! So helpful!!). I used to have to keep a notebook with the memorial numbers to keep them staright. I have run into a few of the bad apples that wouldn’t transfer my family’s memorials to me, or link up the other members, or add bio corrections. A few very nice people have done the corrections, very nicely, and added my name with the corrections. I have met quite a few distant cousins this way!
I see that a few people now have hurt feelings about the new changes, but I feel that they have been a long time coming. I do not think that people will give up creating memorials, or adding photos, and I hope that this is not the case! For their tireless efforts very often go without thanks. But I thank you and so do millions of others just starting out doing genealogy and have found a wealth of information that you, the volunteers have gleened for them! I have been doing genealogy for over 45 years and genetic genealogy for 22 years (The Sorensen project 1st came out in the late 90’s). I would not have found my 4th Great-Grandparents cemetery or that of my husbands family, as the cemetery’s are so remote and well hidden, that I was unable to find them, and then, wow! There they were on Find A Grave!!!
These changes had to be made with the waiting period, so that family’s have time to greive, get their thought together, sit and talk among other family members to discuss what they want for “Their” memorial. Just copying things from an obituary, without knowing the family is a disservice, as when my brother passed, we had to go to the newspaper 3 times with corrections!!! My neice was so upset by the time of the funeral that she was just so broken, and the person who jumped in to be the 1st to create his memorial had all of the misinformaion that the paper had printed, even though they reissued the obituary with the corrections, The memorial was still there. It took me months to get controll of it and write it the way she wanted it. It was so devistating to her. It also took me a long while to get her mother connected and their grandson, who predeceased him. That is why this amjor change HAD to be made.
As for the relationship addition, I am the Family Historian, I am 1 of 12 children, from a long line of big families. If there is a limit to how many memorials we can claim, it will be a hinderance to me and many others, and would keep the volunteers that record cemeteries from adding to the information that is available. These people still need to be able to catalog these cemeteries. They just need to relinquish them upon request and/or update them as requested. If it is amde too difficult for them to do this, then I feel that this would be a disservice to the future generations if these volunteers, that are unrelated, are not able to create these memorials. They are stewards, until a member of the family requests to take over.
And I also had the question, and saw that others did also, What happens when these creators pass away? Are the owners of Find a Grave going to take over the stewardship of these accounts? There will have to be someone, somewhere, that will be able to make corrections on these “dead” accounts in the future. I am 63 years old and I am ill. I do not know if anyone will take over from me in the future. I am leaving my accounts information to my sons, but what happens when they go? I know that there are a lot of people over 90 that do some of these accounts. Not all of the younger generations are interested, now. I really hope that these memorials will be there for future generations that get bitten by the research bug about their ancestors, like it did with me and my siblings, which half are gone now.
I want to thank the staff at Find a Grave and Ancestry for all that they do.
Cathee Presley
Great! I had a stranger post my husband’s obit from a newspaper a month after his death, and I had just put one up for him. When I asked them to take theirs down (they didn’t know where he was buried) they gave me a hard time, but finally complied. It was traumatic. Thanks for your sensitivity.
I believe the majority of people that volunteer in findagrave are genuinely trying to help families stay connected and they have truly good intentions, much of the information provided and shared is to help people know about their kinfolk and have connections to them and a way to memorialize their lost loved ones and have a path to keep families connected. Thanks to all the volunteers out there who use their free time to help their family and other families to pay tribute to their deceased love ones and make sure they are not forgotten.
I don’t understand this whole memorial thing and don’t want to be involved. But I’ve discovered that someone has entered the wrong info for my father and seems to own the notice. I also note that My Heritage family tree has listed wrong info for who my father even is. I don’t know how to make corrections. People who are not blood related should just leave my family listings alone. This whole memorial managing thing sounds creepy to me and I want no part of it.
Count me in the camp that feels some Managers behave as if they are superior to others, based on their time or number of contributions – many can be easily spotted because they have their communication lines closed off.
To me, the resistance-to-transfer behavior is a kind of pointless hoarding to preserve an imagined status.
Perhaps Find-a-Grave / Ancestry could include a statistic on the number of Transfers Declined and even one for the number of Suggested Edits Declined with the other Stats shown for each Manager.
I like the “creating an account for one’s spouse/partner” rather than expanding the new list to include in-laws. Abuse of this would be pretty easy to identify.
It might be helpful for the site to automatically fill the new Relationship Field with the value “not related” (or no relationship indicated) since, in most cases the bulk of the Memorials one manages will fit into that category.
One of my G-Grandfathers was one of 12 and another was one of eight.. My Grandfather was one of ten. It’s a never ending puzzle.
While visiting an G-Uncle’s grave, I noticed a classmate of mine who was buried nearby. I had known him since we were in kindergarten. So, I took a photo just in case he was not listed. He had been deceased for 20+ years. He did not have a site, so I made one. It was in a small cemetery not far from my home. That is not a race after all that time. I did it out of respect for him. His sister later added a photo for him but didn’t seem interested in taking over the site. In the same cemetery was a couple who played cards with my parents. So, just in case, I took pictures of they and their son’s stones. Again, after all those years, no one had made them a memorial. But, I knew these people.
I appreciate people who find stones for my relatives who do not live close to me and those who are willing to transfer family memorials to me.
I really don’t understand why a stranger would refuse to transfer a memorial to a relative of the deceased. What do they gain by hanging on to it? Bragging rights?
My thoughts…I just wonder how this is going work? For example: I was adopted. I have my adoptive parents and my birth parents. My adoptive parents remarried. So, I’m going to have a LOT of parents and a LOT of grandparents aunts and uncles etc….i was reading where someone was sent a message 17 was limit for niece and nephew. I can assure I will far exceed this. Let me throw this into the mix my adoptive mom married my husband’s dad. So do you realize how many boxes I’ll be checking?
Secondly, who is monitoring this? Maybe I want an account and I claim be the child or grandchild and I am not. Will that acct just be turned over?
In theory this sounds good but all kinds of twist and turns happen in life. Also just dishonest people .
Making people do the right thing is near impossible. You just have believe that their decent people and will do the right thing.
I have a first cousin memorial created my cousin is still alive. I have reported this MANY times. No response. The person created it has xxxxx memorials and wont respond.
These are things that too me are important.
Findagrave is the epitome of the concept of “crowdsourcing” whereby tens of thousands are selflessly contributing their time and energies to create a community project. As a (now retired) professional academic librarian (who began collecting genealogy sources in 1966) I certainly acknowledge there are “bumps” in the road that we should try to fix. But I highly commend all those who have added content (and the creators and maintainers of findagrave) for this marvelous asset. Thank you all!
When I find incorrect or missing information on a memorial for one of my family members, and the manager won’t correct it or transfer the memorial to me, I leave flowers on the memorial with the correct information in the comments.
This is a wonderful idea. I was wondering though… I have tried to gain control of my family’s memorials and most people have been so wonderful about transferring. Yet, there are some who do not allow contact. You cannot message them; you cannot request transfers in any way. I call these the “collectors”. They don’t know any of the people that they make the memorials for and do not want to give any up because they are in a game for numbers. They want to have more memorials than anyone else, so they block the possibility of requests for transfers. One of these collectors has control of my nephew, who died at birth, and I would like to have him and add him in with the rest of the family.
I do not know if this has been presented yet, but I do have one complaint about this system. I make entries on a daily basis and when I make a memorial, I use the obituary, Ancestry.com and Newspapers.com to make the entry as complete as possible, adding the necessary links to the memorial as well as dates of places of birth and death. Before, if I saw an incomplete memorial before I had the chance to make one, I would usually provide the links and any additions or corrections. A lot of people will provide just the basics and sometimes those are incomplete when they make a memorial. With this new system, it will be 3 months before someone can see what information was provided. I for one will not be going back in 3 months to see if a memorial is complete and more information could have been added, leaving some memorials incomplete.
Do you enter the names of the living survivors? Find A Grave rules say not to do that but I find that most people who use online obituaries and newspaper obituaries usually break that rule. I personally applaud Find a Grave for these new guidelines.
I agree I’m afraid many related will not be added
FindaGrave is a lovely genealogical tool. But as with all things, there will always be a group who think rules don’t apply to them or are an insensitive breed who think only of themselves. That said, there are those who are doing a great service for those of us unable to get places or even know where to look, and having placed the memorial are willing to turn them over; a museum director went to great lengths to set memorials and photos of markers for me and also an ex-military person with access to Fort Knox cemeteries and their records, and then turned everything over to me. And yet again, others who are greedy, power-hungry individuals who think this makes them shine. I have been subjected to persons (a ‘troller’ – no relation) who refuse to remove their posting even when informed mine was first and I am related. And when I first started building my linked memorials, I posted photos and etc information only to later find it on sites like Ancestry being duplicated all over everywhere without proper sourcing – they were not related or closely so would never have had certain photos – of my parents, grandparents and etc. In my innocense, I trusted community integrity. Needless to say, I felt quite violated. And those items were deleted by me but case of too little too late. While the site is making changes, it has been too long coming and doesn’t yet properly address the real need – courtesy, compassion and integrity.
Maybe a pledge is in order where one must ‘sign’ and a pledge icon posts on memorials by that person; and, if one is unwilling, they will no longer be allowed to post. Due to the inventivemess of the human mind, there is never a total answer but this could put a handle on things to more easily spot an abuser for community visibility and reporting.
I find Find a Grave useful for finding accurate dates via headstones and contribute when I can. I only post headstones. I don’t post newspaper obits or photos. I was going to create a memorial for my brother about a week ago when I found it had already been created with his photo and obituary attached. It was jarring. I requested management and it was granted. However, the experience makes me glad Find a Grave is changing its policy. I removed a chunk of his bio as I feel it can cause identity theft or fraud of living family members. I think of living family members that suffer from dementia and having them taken advantage of by unscrupulous individuals who use Find a Grave and other resources to find personal information. I know public information exists all over, but I’m glad Find a Grave will not be one of those sources. JMHO.
I absolutely agree! A couple of weeks after my grandmother Jeanette Apolonia McGuire passed on 12/21/20 I went to create a memorial for her and someone had already done it. Jarring is the word. I was stunned. It’s as though someone was just waiting to pounce on the obituaries. And they posted the photo that I had been withholding for years because I didn’t want it to end up all over Ancestry.com with horrible copies under 20 different names. I was furious. I created my grandfathers memorial. I just needed a little time to create hers. I don’t know who controls hers memorial but they should be ashamed of themselves.
Sarah L.
Thank you so much. I have had several memorials of relatives added and it really makes me mad.
Finding a memorial of relatives shouldn’t make us mad. Just asked for a transfer and be happy that someone is interested making a memorial then you can add or delete anything that is needed. Thanks
I am on the Board of Trustees of our local cemetery. I like to add the memorials for our cemetery to FAG because then I know they are correct. If a family member wants to manage it, I always transfer, but so many FAG members stop managing their memorials after a while, and then I can not get it transferred back. What needs to be fixed are the memorial to people who are not dead yet.
I disagree with the changes. all listings are done out of respect to the deceased. and most death records are public information. there should be no private listings. if I was to search for a friend and was not family, I would be excluded from seeing the listing??? nobody is trying to “grave rob” here. having private settings would almost defeat the intention of Findagrave.
In reading many comments over the weekend, since Find-A-Grave made this initial blog post, I’m struck by a few thoughts. I love the service Find-a-Grave and the volunteers provide. However, to see a loved one’s memorial on the site, within days of the death/service/obit announcement IS JARRING and many of those commenting about the proposed rule changes are NOT recognizing the emotional toll on the LIVING.
Yes, remembering those who have passed away, recognizing that they lived is important. BUT NOT AT THE EMOTIONAL EXPENSE OF THE LIVING who are still in active mourning and grief over their passing. Since when does the right to memorialize the dead or create more memorials than the next person mean more than the emotional health and well-being of an actual LIVING person? Many have commented how much it HURT during their first days of grieving, to see somebody they didn’t know posting private family details and creating memorials on the Find-A-Grave site? The pain is real and the lack of recognition of that pain and emotional harm is staggering in some of the comments I’ve read. Find-A-Grave isn’t saying NEVER create memorials, but simply take a breath, and WAIT to post.
Scouring the obits & funeral home pages to post info immediately ignores the pain and grief of living, breathing human beings. And the need to post RIGHT NOW can certainly wait 3 months if one is not an immediate relative.
I am still upset that whoever posted my relative’s memorial (within a week of his death) took the time to dig thru public records (on ancestry) and post his first wedding license….but not mentioning his divorce BECAUSE THEY DIDN”T KNOW THE FULL STORY and while the marriage is part of his life, certainly, it is a painful reminder of private things and shouldn’t be posted without the full context. Information posted was NOT from his obit, but from several searches on Ancestry. So my feelings and the wishes of the deceased should count for more than somebody’s desire “To Be First” to post.
And it is NOT that I don’t respect somebody’s desire to be helpful in providing information, especially when many of us don’t live near these cemeteries. it takes time to search a cemetery to find specific graves and accurately record the information on a headstone/marker. I completely respect that. BUT, the posters of that information also need to be respectful for the TIMING of posting that information, especially if they have NOT BEEN ASKED DIRECTLY to do so.
The feelings of the living and grieving should always take precedence over a stranger’s wish to post information (even when that wish is to be helpful and trying to assure that nobody is forgotten or not memorialized).
I am also a stepchild who luckily, has a wonderful relationship with all my parents. What is legally provable is not what was reality or how I was introduced or treated in real life. It is MY right to include or not include such details on such a public forum. Find-A-Grave should figure out some way to include “steps” in their checkboxes, especially for those who want to be technically correct.
Thank your for this change. This has happened to me several times. It is an act of love for me to create a memorial for my loved ones. It feels like a race to see who can get a memorial posted and get it added to their total count. My complaint has to do with the obituaries being posted on the memorial with the names of the living relatives. To me this is dangerous with all the identity theft going on.
I am particularly appreciative of this change in procedure. I was blindsided by the posting of my mother’s “memorial” being added within days of her obituary printed in the newspaper. I immediately contacted FindaGrave, and the administrators quickly gave ownership to me, for which I was immensely appreciative. The concept that someone was “mining” the obituaries to add to FindaGrave was both painful and abhorrent to me. Thank you for this change.
This is a great start to many problems with Find a Grave. Especially those who watch the obituaries and put all the information right from the obit. (too much information) and those that copy pictures from Find a Grave and then post them on their Ancestry pages with no acknowledgement of ownership. Keep working– you will get it straightened out eventually.
I am glad to see that Find A Grave is limiting access to add deceased. When my husband died last year a man jumped right in and added it to Find A Grave within 2-3 days. No one should be allowed to add a deceased for at least 30 days to give the family time to do so! He was upset when I faulted him for doing so when I went in to do it 7-10 days later. There are a lot of things that need to be addressed promptly after a death that a family needs to take care of before thinking about adding it to Find A Grave! It is called common courtesy! Elaine
I just checked today’s obits in the hometown newspaper then went to see if any had been placed on Find a Grave. 2 already show up on the site but it now asks if I am a relative, which I am not, therefore I cannot see the memorial, what is on it or who posted it for 3 months. I do not want to add to it and never will, but to not be able to see it, that seems a little odd. I’m certain the poster/creator is the person who has been doing this for many years. How did the poster get clearance to add a memorial when they are not related to that person?
Since I’ve been a contributor on Find, I’ve did work on my own family, relatives & friends that I’ve told them what I’m doing. They aren’t contributors & rely on me to add memorials & information. Many have asked me to do so. That’s why I’ve created memorials before there’s an obit or funeral home posting. This new rule will stop ones like myself for doing this. Otherwise, I can relate to some who won’t turn over memorials. If it’s not family & someone that’s closer or related, I turn the memorial over..
I had a shock when my husband died and just as the stone was placed, a picture of it was placed and my half of the picture was cut off, it made my grief even worse. I was his wife and proud if it, (Because they said a living person couldn’t be displayed ???)
Thank you, thank you, thank you and hooray!
The simplest solution to this issue is to not allow anyone to post a memorial for someone until they have been deceased for 3 months. That should take care of the people who are upset that others are posting family members immediately from obits.
The way it is constituted now is terrible. Basically you have non-functional memorials. No one can submit edits. If there is a marker in the cemetery, temp or name on a joint stone with a deceased spouse or an engraving on a mausoluem or columbarium you can’t post it.
Let alone the taking away of memorials from people who did nothing wrong, followed the rules, and there is nothing on the “auto-transferred” memorials to show who created it and did any work on it.
So if a memorial is going to be hidden to the public for 3 months, then don’t let be created until those 3 months have passed. And then it’s a regular memorial with the exception of some auto-transfer issues.
I agree. However, why are people setting up Memorials for living persons? A Memorial is for someone that has passed away. The only thing I don’t like is automatic transfers. You are going to have a lot of sorting to do on some of the Memorials if you allow automatic transfers which is not fair to the CLOSEST relative. People need to be honest about their relationships. We are adults and this is not a game, it is to preserve our family histories. We all need to be respectful of the dead and in working with the living. If you can’t do that, you have no business on the site in the first place. Sharing your information helps so many of us looking for correct information to help us in our search for our ancestors.
My father was buried less than a few days and his was put up by some random person. I’m glad this is happening.
Unfortunately I have found it difficult to correct or add info to memorials that already exist. I have sent managers info and it just appears as additional info without being corrected or added. Some memorials are not even connected to their closest relatives. Historical information is never 100 percent accurate nor our interpretation of data. Find a Grave is a great resource but only can be a guide.
Waiting three months to add info seems respectful although obituaries appear in other media immediately.
IS three months enough? No, this is an arbitrary length of time decided by Findagrave, addressing but not resolving the grieving process and land-grabbing aspect at the heart of this discussion. I’ll add that it’s low hanging fruit for new memorial creators. I’d be fine with 5 YEARS for non-family and 12 months for verified family …enough time to allow family issues to be sorted out… because families are a messy, emotional business — and even then, families could fight amongst themselves for years over estate issues, meanwhile their deceased member has been scooped into the memorial listings. There are plenty of undocumented cemeteries out in the boonies that haven’t been touched, plenty of work to do there, and there is no critical need to memorialize the recently dead when every funeral home already has published memorials managed by the families. Findagrave is playing emotions against revenue, obituary harvesters against families — clearly pitted against each other in the 400+ comments this posting has attracted.
Not sure the new policy on those recently departed info being obscured for 3 months is necessary and fear many will just ask for more restrictive measures. Those posting the information must have gathered it from a public source. I can gather much more information through public document requests and other places that would be far more helpful to an identity criminal. Next newspaper won’t be allowed to print a relatives name in an obituary?
** Hans heard the sound of trickling water … Hans inserted his chubby finger in the hole and the flow of water stopped. – Fable.
I am so happy with these recent changes. For the most part, when I requested information updates on a memorial, the manager always complied. Quite a few memorials have even been turned over to me with no request on my part. I love Find a Grave for offering the capability to memorialize our loved ones and now an easy way to keep them in the family.